Nursing No More

*DISCLAIMER*  This post is about breastfeeding.  If you don't want to read it, then stop now.

What is it about nursing your baby that is so unbelievably amazing???  I can think of 1,000 reasons why I don't want to nurse my son anymore, and only 1 reason why I want to.  Let's make a list... it really could get lengthy, but I'll try to keep it short.

Reasons why I want to stop nursing Grant, in no particular order

1. Pumping at work is distracting me from my job.  And pumping in a tiny 3x3 office is not fun.  Once I get heavily involved in a project, I have to drag myself to the pumping room and do my thang.  Then I try to come back to the project but inevitably end up with a "what was I doing again?" sort of feeling.
2. Makers Mark and Coke. Enough said.
3. Diet Coke.  Massively huge fountain sodas to pump caffeine through my veins so I'll stay awake when I am falling asleep at my desk after said baby feels like waking me up at 4 am.
4. Which brings me to probably the most important reason... SLEEP!  Daddy can give G bottles at night, which will allow me to get a full night sleep. 
5. Related, in order to not explode at 3 am, one must pump before bed.  I would like to pump at 7:30 or 8 pm, so I can get a decent nights sleep.  However, if I pump that early, I'm hurting by 3 am.  Of course, Grant is asleep, so I don't want to wake him before I go to bed OR at 3 am, but a woman's gotta have a release.  Because of this, I have to wait until closer to 9-9:30 to pump.  We NEVER wake the baby.  We let him wake us!
6. Traveling with my pump is difficult.  Good luck finding a place in the airport where you can go plug in the pump (aka: the beast) and get 'er done.  And TSA, for the longest time, would not let you go through security with breastmilk unless the baby was with you.  Ok, what do working moms do when they have to travel for work?  Brilliant, TSA.  Thankfully, they changed this rule.
7. Every single hour of every single day has to be thought of and planned for.  We're going to the park and then to lunch?  What time should I feed him?  In between the park and lunch?  At the restaurant?  At the park? What about the next feeding?  You don't want them spaced too far apart or together.  You are constantly thinking about the next feeding (and the next one, and the next one, and the next one...).  Logistics matter.
8. Several times I have gone to Red Sox games and had to hand pump in the bathroom at Fenway.  I had a couple of beers at Boston Beer Works before the game, so there went my liquid gold, down the drains in the Fenway ladies room.  (This was also the case at my work Christmas party).
9. Exhaustion.  Oh boy, the exhaustion.  I get that I am naturally exhausted from having a relatively new baby in the house, but he sleeps 9-10 hours at night, so the problem isn't fully him.  It's the breastfeeding.  It wipes you out.  It takes from me to give to him. 
10. I had D-MER.  Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex.  Here is a definition from http://www.d-mer.org/ :  "Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex is a newly recognized condition affecting lactating women that is characterized by an abrupt dysphoria, or negative emotions that occur just before milk release and continuing not more then a few minutes.
    The negative emotions, or dysphoria, that a mother with D-MER experiences often manifest "in the mother's stomach" - a hollow feeling, a feeling like there is something in the pit of the stomach, or an emotional churning in the stomach. Mothers report varying types of emotions with D-MER ranging from dread to anxiety to anger, these emotions fall on the D-MER spectrum which has three different levels. The common thread between these levels, is the wave of negative emotions or dysphoria, prior to letdown, when nursing, expressing and with spontaneous letdowns, that then lifts within another 30-90 seconds, and then usually repeats with each letdown."  It tends to be a little different with each woman.  Mine lasted about 30 seconds and I would get an overwhelming urge to sob hysterically.  I felt empty and strange, briefly ridden with anxiety.  And just as soon as it hits, it's gone.  Some people also claim they would get very thirsty.  That was me, EVERY time.
11. Maybe I should just stop here... I think you get the idea...

And here are the reasons why I felt I should continue nursing Grant

1. I love him.

That's just it. I love the little dude.  Plain and simple. But in the end, I gave him 6 months of my body and my life, just as I gave his sister. I wish I could have given him more, but it was far too difficult and I am far too exhausted to continue on. So as he finishes up the last of Mommy's Milk, I can finally say au revoir to this period in our lives and look forward to my little man growing up.  I truly look forward to having my body back, and having my favorite adult beverage again!

ADIOS SUCKERS!!!!